Sunday, January 31, 2016

Palsy-walsy Sunday: my inner insecurities

A friend told me a while ago that I appear to be a very secure person and we kind of came to the conclusion that I talk about myself a lot and I like it when people compliment me. Well, I guess that is very true. I know that, and I am very aware of both the positive and negative sides that having this kind of attitude come along with.

While having a little thought after this talk, I decided to stop talking about myself for a while. When I told this to my friend, the reaction I got was quite confronting. Turns out I'd probably stop talking so that people would ask me to start talking again. Which turned out to be kind of true as well, though having a little space in my head cleared up by silence was an effect I wanted to cause too.

So apparently, what I need in my life is a lot of recognition and appreciation. I need to regularly be reminded that I'm doing good, looking good, being a good person. I automatically turn to the people that give me this feeling. And if I don't feel like getting recognition I start seeking for it by talking about myself and getting all humorous over-secure. Because not getting any appreciation for a while can make me feel very sad and insecure in ways that are quite hard to explain.

My best friend and psychology-student would probably search for an explanation for this odd behaviour, but I'm guessing it's just something that has evolved. In several stages of my life I've done my very extreme best for people and things and I didn't always get back what I had expected, or worse, I was told to not have done my best at all. Turning away from negative experiences like these have made me feel a lot more free and clear-minded, but it has left its tiny scars on my self-esteem.

This is quite a hard thing for me to write. I do not like to peel off my security mask because that's exactly what forms my image to the outer world. But I had just been struggling with these thoughts the past month or so and I kind of had to write this down and share it.

And yes I know, it's kind of a Catch-22 situation to be yet again talking about myself and it may come off as, once again, I'm seeking recognition by talking about my insecurity, but let's not go there. Let's just accept me for who I am, flaws and edges. And I don't need a range of nice comments on how I don't need to be insecure. And yet again, that's not a call for attention. And wow I'm never getting out of this circle.


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